A Few Painful Months of Marriage

Have you ever smelled something that just overwhelmed you with a memory? For example, the smell of Oil of O’lay reminds me of my grandma. Motor oil reminds me of my father and Thanksgiving dressing reminds me of my mom. I recall the day a scent had literally crippled me. It was the winter of 2001. I was living in Chicago with my sister Martha while, within the last six months, I had recently met Tim, started dating Tim, said vows to Tim, became pregnant with Tim’s child, and left Tim due to my insecurities about being a mother.

I was perfectly fine with my decision and was prepared to live with it. However, Tim had other plans. He would not give up on me no matter how many times I would ask him to. In my heart I was happy that he didn’t, but my mind was becoming more and more annoyed.

During our last conversation nearly two weeks ago I had asked him to stop writing, calling, and visiting because the stress of it could cause me to lose the baby. Which is what my doctor had recently told me along with putting me on a low-stress bed rest until our next visit. However, after two weeks of radio silence I longed to hear his voice, to get a handwritten letter, and especially to get an unannounced visit. But they all had stopped.

I rubbed my belly as I laid in bed reading his letters.

“Michelle, I don’t know if you are reading any of these letters, but I need you to know that I love you both. I need you both and most of all I want you both. Please allow me the blessing of raising our child together as husband and wife. I know you are scared, but don’t allow those feelings to trick you into forgetting the vows we spoke and the promises we made. You have my heart and it is hurting Baby.

I haven’t felt this kind of pain since my mom moved me from my grandma’s house back with her. The same kind of pain I felt when my grandmother died. I feel an unbearable loss. You have earned the title of Love of My Life and I truly need you. I know you must need me too. Please don’t deny me this opportunity. Your husband always, Tim.”

I read that letter nearly 20 times these past two weeks and it still brought tears to my eyes because I did need Tim. I did want Tim. I did love Tim and his pull on my heart was undeniable. However, my head was stronger than my heart and usually won those battles. In my moments of weakness I would read this letter.

Today, while I was just about to grab the letter and read it, my friend Charles called and said he saw Tim in front of his mother,s house with his ex. I said with pride, “Good! He finally gets it. We are over.” Then I said some lie to get off the phone and I sobbed uncontrollably. My heart was feeling that unbearable pain Tim had expressed in his letter. Thank you Karma.

All of a sudden the pain in my heart shot down to my lower abdomen and I screamed out in pain. My sister and her boyfriend took me to the ER. While holding my belly in pain I thought sarcastically, only 14 days and the so-called love he felt for me was gone.

The Doctor told me that I was severally malnourished and dehydrated. When I woke up Tim was asleep in the chair next to my hospital bed. That scent that always made me feel safe, was very present, however, it came with another feeling – betrayal. After reading that letter, what stood out most was that familiar scent of Timothy’s cologne. However, the last time I smelled that scent it was followed with the imagine of Tim and his ex. I wanted to scream out, “Baby! I miss you!” but my head said, “Tim wake up.” As he looked up at me after adjusting his eyes to the light, smiling I said, “If you ever loved me or even liked me a little please leave because the thought of you and her at your mom’s house is the reason I am here.”

Before he could utter a word to explain, “Please?! Please?! Please?! Just leave!” I said crying then yelled out from the pain in my belly. Tim looked at the monitors as they began to beep faster and the nurses ran in. For the next few days he waited in the waiting room and in the chapel. He had written me several letters explaining why his ex was there and it was pretty innocent. However, I was not ready to receive it.

For months that scent brought uncontrollable tears to my eyes. When I had our daughters that scent was what they needed during fussy nights and to this date that scent brings me a sense of safeness and forever love. When I think about the few months it brought me pain, I see how my stubbornness was the real cause of that pain. I wouldn’t change those few months for anything. It was a learning experience and I trust that I went through it for a reason.

Marriage is such an awesome experience and it takes pure selflessness to survive through it’s trials. Have your marriage been all sunshineor was there rain? If you could talk to your newly-married self what would you say? Please share in the comments below. I really would love to know.

Until next time, shine amongst the stars!

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