It's been 16 years, 7 months, and 15 days since I declared my love for Tim and promised to love him for the rest of my life. The vows I spoke were engraved in my heart and through the good times and bad, the love has not wavered even when I wanted it to. I've come to accept that God made no mistakes when he placed him in my life and I am grateful for all of the experiences. Therefore, after great consideration and daily prayer, I shall renew and rejuvenate my life with Tim on Sunday January 20, 2019 with a ceremonial wedding.
I was a twice-married woman to the man of my dreams however, I had not had a wedding. Today, as I sit here writing down these memories, I wish I could be describing my wedding as a tear falls from my eye. These past years with Tim are full of good, bad, joyful and painful memories that I look forward to sharing with you all. But the thing that breaks my heart nearly every day is remembering the weddings that weren’t.
As the nurse wheeled her next to me and helped me raise my bed, she asked if I wanted to hold her. Before she could complete that sentence I had my arms stretched out for my baby. I pulled her next to me and gave her a gentle hug and kissed her head covered by a pink cap. I laid her on the bed and unwrapped her blanket so I could pull her cap off. I said to her, “You have all your toes, and fingers and a head full of curly hair.”
As I sang, tears fell from my eyes because Tim was not there with me. My brother had gone and Zoey looked so much like him and he was also my sunshine. Then the phone rang to my room and it was Tim. His first words to me were, “I love you.” My voice cracked as I uttered, “Then why aren’t you here?” Although I knew the answer, my heart was broken. I couldn’t believe I said those words because my heart screamed, I miss you and I love you too. But my mouth betrayed me and expressed words that I didn’t mean to say.
Fast forward a couple of decades or three, and I find myself a blogger. As I hear the chimes coming through my computers notifying me that I had a new follower, like, and/or someone commented on my post. I was surprised that one of my newly beloved blogger, Lambam, had nominated me for the SunShine Blogger award. I humbly smiled and shared the news with my hubby. Then I told him about her blog.
I did know one thing and that was that I didn’t feel that love for him – the kind that my gal-pals were expressing for their boyfriends. I loved that we could talk about anything and that he made me feel safe. I loved receiving and sending him letters. I loved encouraging him and being there for him while he served our country. I thought it was noble of him. After a few years of dating and meeting his family, I realized I was in love with the idea of love, but not with him.
As I heard the door lock one tear fell from my eye. My grandma walked over to me and said, “Now, your Mom is sad that you did say goodbye.” I ran to the door and I caught her before she left the porch and screamed, “I love you mommy and I’m still mad!” She turned and smiled as she blew me a kiss and mouthed, I love you too.