It's been 16 years, 7 months, and 15 days since I declared my love for Tim and promised to love him for the rest of my life. The vows I spoke were engraved in my heart and through the good times and bad, the love has not wavered even when I wanted it to. I've come to accept that God made no mistakes when he placed him in my life and I am grateful for all of the experiences. Therefore, after great consideration and daily prayer, I shall renew and rejuvenate my life with Tim on Sunday January 20, 2019 with a ceremonial wedding.
I was a twice-married woman to the man of my dreams however, I had not had a wedding. Today, as I sit here writing down these memories, I wish I could be describing my wedding as a tear falls from my eye. These past years with Tim are full of good, bad, joyful and painful memories that I look forward to sharing with you all. But the thing that breaks my heart nearly every day is remembering the weddings that weren’t.
According to my journal, it all started June 22, 2001. I was fresh out of college and starting a new career. Business was slow so I was journaling about how much this fellow had control over my thoughts. I found myself doubling his name. While my boss was giving me the rundown of my duties for the day and I couldn't help but anticipate my date with Tim.
As the nurse wheeled her next to me and helped me raise my bed, she asked if I wanted to hold her. Before she could complete that sentence I had my arms stretched out for my baby. I pulled her next to me and gave her a gentle hug and kissed her head covered by a pink cap. I laid her on the bed and unwrapped her blanket so I could pull her cap off. I said to her, “You have all your toes, and fingers and a head full of curly hair.”
When I was a teenager, I felt that I would end up meeting this godly, virtuous, beautiful, intelligent, poetic, classy, and funny girl. She would be strong with a little attitude, have an affinity for hip-hop and R&B, and most of all, love God. I was young but my thoughts were old. I wasn't rushing the day to come but I felt in my soul that it eventually would. One day it actually did and I knew it that very same day.
We never truly are in control of our own lives. We need money, which means we have to work, which means we spend our whole lives working to see most of it thrown away to living. When you think of it like that, it is a pretty daunting thought. But, there are ways you can take control of certain aspects of your own life. All you have to do is have the willpower to do so. Because even though there are certain aspects, such as work, that we can’t control, the ones we can control we often can’t be bothered to do so.