Valentine’s Day 2005

Valentine’s Day of 2005 was one of the happiest days of my life and one of the saddest. My daughter Zoey Love had entered the world. From the moment she was wheeled into my room I could not take my eyes off her. As she fed from me, I rubbed her hair and talked to her about her big sister, Zyan. I told her that Zyan wanted her to know that she loved her and couldn’t wait to kiss and squeeze her. These were Zyan’s direct words as I heard the excitement through the phone in Zyan’s voice. Then I sang the song I sang to Zyan when she was born – “You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey.”

As I sang, tears fell from my eyes because Tim was not there with me. My brother had gone and Zoey looked so much like him and he was also my sunshine. Then the phone rang to my room and it was Tim. His first words to me were, “I love you.” My voice cracked as I uttered, “Then why aren’t you here?” Although I knew the answer, my heart was broken. I couldn’t believe I said those words because my heart screamed, I miss you and I love you too. But my mouth betrayed me and expressed words that I didn’t mean to say.

Tim started to apologize when the phone went dead. I remember saying “Tim” over and over again until I heard those annoying beeps through the phone. I put the phone back on the receiver and turned the radio on. The song “Love” by Musiq Soulchild, a song I knew all too well because Tim would sound so amazing when he’d sing it to me.  As more tears fell from my eyes, I started to sing it to my little Love. However, I’m not blessed with Tim’s musical talents, but I still love to sing.

As I sang to my daughter I thought about Tim and I prayed that he was okay. Once the song ended, I was in tears because Tim had not called back. I was now mad at myself, but once I looked at my daughter that sadness turned into joy. The nurse walked in and asked if I wanted her help placing Zoey into her bassinet. As she placed Zoey gently down she turned as if I had asked if I wanted her to take my newborn to the nursery. I looked at the clock and realized it was nearly 10:30 p.m. I couldn’t believe seven hours had passed so fast. I told her yes, as I thought about my mom and how important she said rest was vital to be a good mom.

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Although I truly wasn’t ready to part with her. Apparently, she felt the same because I heard her start to cry as she was wheeled down the hall. I smiled and said, “Mommy misses you too.” I laid there listening to music and as they played love song after love song more and more tears fell from my eyes. I wanted Tim to be here and it hurt that he wasn’t and I was also mad at myself for being upset. I knew Tim was working hard to support his family.

I laid in my bed and stared at the phone. I so much wanted it to ring. I so wanted to hear Tim’s voice. I just wanted to let him know that I loved him and we (Zoey and I) couldn’t wait to see him. The call did not come. When I looked at the clock on the wall it read 11:45 and I said, “I love you Tim and Happy Valentine’s Day.” I said the prayer,

“Dear God. Dear Lord, I know am wonderfully and beautifully made and I thank you for my life and Your love. I am also thankful to You for granting me a partner who is also wonderfully and beautifully made, who shows me Your character through his love, and who brings me fulfillment in ways I could not have imagined.

“Thank You God for being so loving and full of grace and giving us this beautiful gift of love to share with one another. Father, You know my heart, and You know that I’d rather have Tim away from me than not at all. You also know at this moment my heart aches with the desire to be near Tim, to share the joys of bringing a baby into the world. I trust that You have plans for us and that Your plan is greater than one that I could devise. Right now it is so hard for me to be away from him. Lord, fill me with the strength to endure this heartache.

“Lord, if it’s Your will, assist us in finding a way to be together soon. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

As I finished my prayer the phone rang and it was Tim. I heard the cracking in his voice as he said, “Sorry if I woke you. I didn’t want this day to go by without letting you know that there is nothing more I want right now than to be there with you and our baby.” I told him that her name was Zoey Love and he said he loved it. He wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day and asked if she was in the room. He said that he wanted to say hello to her on her born-day if possible.

Not even a second later the nurse wheeled her back in saying that Zoey could not stay away. She wheeled her next to me and I placed the phone to her ear at exactly 11:56 p.m. What Tim said to her made her quite down. I put the phone to my ear and asked him what he said. He said he wished her happy born-day and Valentine’s Day and apologized for not being there for us. I stopped him during his story at 11:59 and said, “I love you and Happy Valentine’s Day.” Just then it struck midnight and it was another day.  I then apologized for being upset with him earlier.

He stopped me and said, “I know it must have been scary and lonely bringing her into the world without me” and that he was sorry for not being here. Zoey fell asleep moments later as I talked to Tim and fell asleep on the phone.

Have you experienced a Valentine’s Day with mixed emotions? Please share in the comments below. I really would love to know.

Until next time, shine amongst the stars!

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